love lost

It’s such a terrible thing to say, but I don’t think my parents love each other anymore. Maybe my dad does love my mom, but I don’t think my mom loves my dad. As gross as it sounds, I wish they showed more passion and sexual attraction towards one another. Just to show that they actually love each other. I know my dad loves my mom, he helps out with her parents who are really sick, helps clean out their house, does things to show that he really cares. But my mom, I don’t know anymore – I love her more than anyone in this world, but she always finds the little things that my dad does and doesn’t appreciate all the little things that my dad does and instead picks a couple things that he does wrong. I think the main source of no attraction is that over the course of their marriage, my dad has gained a huge amount of weight and my mom is always on him about it, and as a result it has kind of torn them a part. I don’t know what will happen next. I just feel so lonely all the time. I know I am a good person – but I have no friends I trust to go out with on Friday nights. I feel that my parents don’t love each other and I have no one to talk about all the sadness I’m feeling. In October and November of last year (although it was undiagnosed, I was going through extreme sadness some might say depression). I had thoughts of killing myself, sometimes I still do. I would never physically harm myself, but I sometimes picture how I would take my own life. During that dark time I would cry myself to sleep in hopelessness and pain. To cope I binged on reeses peanut butter cups and spicy jalepeno cheetos from the dollar store. Sometimes I feel hopeless and sometimes these hopeless thoughts go to “what if I end up all alone and no one will ever love me” and “what will I do when my mom dies” how will I be able to face the world. I’m not close to my brother because he doesn’t open up, he’s the nicest person on this whole planet and the best person I know. I wish I was closer to him. But I’m not. I know that in order for us to ever have some sort of relationship, I think it’s up to me, because he doesn’t know how. Sometimes I think about how I am a horrible person because I don’t support my mom and dad like my brother does. I don’t know how and I am trying to change but it’s hard.

I know this has been such a depressing post, but that’s just how things are sometimes. Writing makes me feel better even when I feel hopeless. I hope things get better because realistically I’m doing pretty well – I have a good job, I have no financial debt and I have a good family that supports and loves me. I think it’s all about perspective sometimes, let’s hope my mind and my emotional health gets better soon. Lots of love ❤

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Realizations, confusion and drabbles

Were you always like this? Self-absorbed, attention seeking, building self confidence on likes, comments and emojis? Or have you developed into this monster? I just find it so terribly sad, because the man I knew was kind, cared for his family and friends. But now it’s looking like you’ve changed, and it makes me sad because I thought I knew you. Maybe I did, maybe you showed me your best side, because that’s what we all do. We show our best, hide the ugly parts, the insecurities, the things that only someone who truly loves us can overlook. Now I’m not so sure.

Or maybe I just want to believe that you’ve been awful all along, because I need that to get over you. I am better than I was, so much better. But there’s something about someone who is just so compatible for you, that you just can’t let go. Or more the word, don’t want to let go. So I’m not going to put bullshit words that I’m completely over you, because that’s a lie and I don’t like lying. I also won’t say cliche words and say:  “if I stay positive everything will be okay.” What’s been working and has worked so far is focusing on myself  and building meaningful relationships with the people around me. Because when you are independently happy with friends and family, without the presence of a man, you are happier. I am definitely not saying FUCK men, they only cause problems. I’m saying life is all about balance (cliche but true) and you can’t spend all your time with you’re “snuggle-puss, poo-bear or baby.” Spending time with friends and family is so important and what builds your happiness up <3. And you can’t experience life all alone.

I’m not exactly sure how to end this drabble, but I can say semi-confidently that I will be okay. I’m doing great it’s been six months and I’ve grown into a better and stronger person because of everything that I’ve gone through. It’s hard to follow but “be grateful for the things you have” and stop wishing and longing for the things that you don’t.

 

Breaking up with my boyfriend

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Gut Feeling.”

When’s the last time you followed your instinct despite not being sure it was the right thing to do? Did it end up being the right call? 7 MORE WORDS

The last time that I followed my instinct of not knowing entirely if it was the right thing to do is breaking up with my boyfriend of two months and eight days. I understand to most people in serious long term relationships it may look at two months and eight days and not even call it a serious relationship, but to me it was. He was the very first boyfriend I ever had and he was my first everything pretty much, first kiss, first naked shower with someone and first sexual experience. And it was so intense for me, my whole life I felt I was always second choice, despite being so kind and giving, and then he comes along and cares about me.

He was the guy who walked me home because he wanted me to get home safe, but ended up missing the last bus home, so my dad had to drive me home. He was the guy who introduced me back into soccer despite not playing in a year because of an injury that I had. He was the guy who made food for me at lunch, that we could share together – lasagna, his egg omelettes, his culture’s cuisine, which was amazing.

On the other side of things, he was the guy who when he was deciding whether to stay or not (since he was an international student) said that there was nothing left to stay here for. He was the guy who stopped in for a meal I made him for him personally and instead of staying and chilling with me, left and hung out with our friends. He was the guy who got high with our friends and didn’t tell me. He was the guy who joked about sex with other girls with other people when I was around. And most painful he was the guy who cheated with me with one of my friends.

Although breaking up with him was so hard, because a part of me still loved him, I knew it was the right thing to do, because I knew if I didn’t then he would get away with it and do it again. What hurt me the most was that I lost the best friend I thought I ever had, and it’s super hard to move on from something like that.

This post is a super personal piece, but I just needed to get it off my chest, out of my thoughts and onto paper. It’s been one month since I ended it, it’s surprisingly gotten better, not perfect, but I can feel time slowing working its magic.

Sorry

I genuinely don’t know how things got so messed up. The fact of the matter is that I love you so so much and that is all that matters, why I don’t trust you on a simple thing is crazy. Because I know that at the end of the day you would do absolutely anything to make sure that I am okay. I just want things to go back to the way they were before – maybe I am being too melodramatic.

At the end of the day is love enough? What is love without trust? I do trust you – you are probably one of the only people I can tell everything to, and we have open communication without no other. So when I ask if we’re okay, and you reply with not really, it makes me sad. Because how could I fuck something up so bad without meaning to do so. How can I love you so much and be able to hurt you like that? I don’t want to be that person that hurts you, although you say that it’s all about me, that’s not true. It’s all about us.

I want things to be the way it was before – easy. Please tell me how to make it okay again.

Thank You Boy

For a long time, I was misunderstanding a group of people. Not because I generally ‘hated’ them, but because they always kept to themselves and weren’t really open to other cultures. Because of that, I kind of resented them for it, and I had a negative connotation associated with them.

Recently through an organization that brings in international talent I met a guy who changed everything. He is adventurous and isn’t afraid to try new things and he loves to share. ‘Loves to share’ sounds odd but really every time we would eat lunch together he would share some his culture’s food. Me coming from a family who loves food, and often eats more food than we should (because it is so damn good), this was very odd to me because the notion of sharing food (in the past) was lost to me, because for me I always wanted more (because it was so damn good). Because of him, I’m now more open to sharing food and I don’t feel like I’m losing an ‘arm and a leg’ when I give up food, it genuinely makes me feel good. On top of that he’s shown me to truly cherish the things in life that we love doing.

For example, over the past year, I was getting off an ankle injury caused from soccer and it has made me miserable this past year. Because I am generally a person who doesn’t like to ‘do’ something about it I didn’t do physio or anything, which delayed the healing process. Just recently he got me to get back and play (obviously my stamina wasn’t great) but it was nice to know that I had the soccer intuition, and I was still able to have that drive and passion that I have always had.

I now no longer see that culture as something odd and weird. I now see the culture as a group of people who are passionate for their country because of the hardships and history that they have faced, and that has brought them closer together. Through meeting him, I have become a better person – someone who is slowly caring less about what people think, taking more risks (smart risks) and really understanding the importance in life: surrounding yourself with people who give a shit about you, doing the things you love for yourself and keeping a proper mental health to keep yourself fulfilled.

I don’t know if I will ever show him what I have written, but because of him my views of the world has changed and I have changed for the better.

Thank you boy ❤

Epiphany

For a long part of my somewhat short life I believed I was stupid. Stupid because I didn’t measure up to what other people were good at. For instance, Sciences in High School: I even got pressured into taking Chemistry because my friends said it would be useful later on (what I found out ‘later on’: a total lie UNLESS you were going into the sciences). On the bright side I learned that I hated Chemistry, and that it was something that I didn’t like doing nor was it something that I excelled at.

Fast forward a couple years and I’m starting university. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, (even deciding between going to college first or university was hard). I somehow ended up getting into Communications and although I liked what I was doing, the same “Chemistry” incident that happened in high school also repeated itself in university. You see, at my university, the Business program is a dominant program on campus and many students in the business program give off the impression that they are better than everyone else and make yourself (me) feel like crap (after being there for a couple years, and getting to know the ‘business kids’, I know better and don’t hate them like I used to).

Getting back, at the time, although I liked what I was learning, I felt that the skills that I was learning in Communications were irrelevant compared to Business and wanted to acquire those skills to be more rounded when I would graduate. However when I began to take those courses I felt like I had to work 10x as hard as everyone else and it definitely did not come naturally. I began to feel that if only I studied harder, was smarter that I would be a smart ‘Business Kid’ and not be an outsider anymore.

Recently, I started a new job working at a Technology Company handling their social media and branding. Additional duties include bookkeeping which doesn’t come naturally to me. However after my first day on the job of doing payroll, invoices and reimbursements was that ‘yes, I don’t necessarily love this stuff, but that doesn’t mean that the skills that I’m acquiring aren’t useful. And it definitely doesn’t mean that I’m stupid.’ It just means that there are areas that I may have to work harder in to grow.

I would like to leave you with one last food for thought: If you can’t believe in yourself, who can? I realized through my journey in life so far that life is short and you can’t be good at everything but to focus on the positives on what you’re good at and run from there. Hope my words of wisdom helped anyone who has ever felt stupid at anytime of your life and to push on to find something that you are proud and enjoy doing.

❤ ❤

The End

Sometimes you feel something so powerful that the only way to deal with it is to chuck it out of your body – like you were throwing a small stone into a very large ocean. The stone’s impact making a small ripple in a large ocean – making you realize that what you’re feeling sucks but it isn’t the end of the world.

Something better will come along (or so they say) and make what happened okay and you won’t ever look back.

Then why did this feel bigger than what IT was? Watching a band, countless movies and exchanging countless messages back and forth and building a connection. The fact is although IT was never official IT was.

The fact of the matter is – it sucks for someone to say they don’t want you. And I would be lying to myself to say that it’d doesn’t matter, because it does. Tonight I will mourn, tomorrow I will arise and forget and move forward. Because living in the past does nothing for myself, only hurts me more.