I’ll never find anyone like you

It hurts so much, but I can’t change it. Sometimes the only truth that it was real is the pain that we feel, from the memories, from the love. You were amazing, why did you have to let me go? Why couldn’t you have fought harder, why didn’t you want me? Why did it have to be bad timing, I miss you so much. Every day, I think of you and what we could have been. I wish I could run into you and take in your smile, your smell my baby one last time forever and forever again. When I kissed you in your car, really kissed you and I said that I liked you a lot, what I really meant was I loved you a lot. I didn’t say it with my words but I said it through my kisses and the passion. I will cherish that moment with me forever, the last time I felt we were really me and you. You said to me, “you’re always on my mind and always in my heart.” Don’t forget me please, I wanted to be your everything, but now I feel so sad. I’m afraid that I’ll never find anyone like you.

Getting over Mr. Right

I met a wonderful man who absolutely helped me get over a twisted ex, taught me about consent but also broke me. My previous ex fucked one of my friends many times (without my knowledge), took my virginity (made it absolutely awful) and fucked with my mind and heart.

After 10 agonizing months  I met someone who was so wonderful and changed my perspective of men altogether. My ex messed me up and for a long time that I felt I could find no one like him. No one who would love me, care for me. My self-esteem was at all time low. Thankfully overtime through loving support from my family, friends, making achievements in my job, I was able to build up my confidence again. Then one day, just like any other, I met Mr. Right.

Mr. Right was my type – intelligent, kind, played soccer, fit, stubble and sexy as hell. It started out like a dream – our first kiss was under heart shaped flipping fireworks! (like what the hell – what is this cheesy romcom madness??!). I met his friends, he was smitten with me, and I with him ❤ We went on a trip together (shared a hotel room). Everything was going great, until it wasn’t.

School started, he got busy, he was stressed. He couldn’t handle it. I was leaving for academic exchange in a couple of months. It didn’t make sense to him for us to continue. He didn’t want to continue hurting me. Disappointing me. So he broke up with me. But unbeknownst to him he broke me too. For the last 2 months I haven’t stopped thinking about him.

It sucks so much. Because we were awesome together. But what sucks more than the uncontrollable is finding out that he didn’t care at all. He says he’s busy, can’t even find the time to text a “good morning babe” or “good night babe.” Yet he’s snowboarding 1x every week for 8 hours and on Facebook changing his profile pic every other week.. yeah no time??!

What I’ve come to realize is, that no one can be your sole source of happiness. Only you can generate happiness and keep yourself going. What really helped me today was accomplishing something that I’ve been scared to do for a long time:

  • Driving by myself

I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been terrified to drive by myself. But I achieved it and I feel so awesome. And that’s the key, you have to keep going, you have to wipe off the dust when you fall, even if you’re knee is bleeding, you’re heart hurts. You have to. Because if you won’t who can do it for you?

What really struck home for me was the song by Twenty One Pilots – Kitchen Sink. In particular one line stands out to me:

“No one is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them  could be the beginning of your meaning friend”

In my context, no one can truly understand what I’m going through (people probs can, but no one really can understand what me and Mr. Right felt for each other). I can either wallow and mourn forever or pick myself up and move on and find happiness. And that is exactly what I plan to do because I deserve better. To be treated better.

Our last time of truly being together, lips on lips, cheek to cheek and heart to heart. I kissed him like I loved him. I felt like it was too soon to say it, but I said it with my lips, tongue and passion. I didn’t want him to go, but he did. I will always be grateful for the man I had for the summer, who showed me what a man can be and how a man can make me feel. That good guys do exist and can blow my mind (if you know what I mean;)).

But that’s not enough to keep holding on. One summer isn’t enough. It’s not worth the pain in my chest when I think of what we had and what we have no longer. It’s not worth me thinking that he doesn’t care. I have the right and deserve to pursue my happiness.

Goodbye Mr. Right, I will always remember you, but its time for me to say goodbye.

 

Fuck You

I wanted to go to New York with you

See a Coldplay show with you

Travel the world with you

Make love to you over and over again

Spend my life with you

But you through it all away for a little bit of fun

I am hurting so much right now and I know it’s cruel but I hope you’re hurting more than I am because I hate you and love you so much and it isn’t fair. It really isn’t.

Just fuck you.