love lost

It’s such a terrible thing to say, but I don’t think my parents love each other anymore. Maybe my dad does love my mom, but I don’t think my mom loves my dad. As gross as it sounds, I wish they showed more passion and sexual attraction towards one another. Just to show that they actually love each other. I know my dad loves my mom, he helps out with her parents who are really sick, helps clean out their house, does things to show that he really cares. But my mom, I don’t know anymore – I love her more than anyone in this world, but she always finds the little things that my dad does and doesn’t appreciate all the little things that my dad does and instead picks a couple things that he does wrong. I think the main source of no attraction is that over the course of their marriage, my dad has gained a huge amount of weight and my mom is always on him about it, and as a result it has kind of torn them a part. I don’t know what will happen next. I just feel so lonely all the time. I know I am a good person – but I have no friends I trust to go out with on Friday nights. I feel that my parents don’t love each other and I have no one to talk about all the sadness I’m feeling. In October and November of last year (although it was undiagnosed, I was going through extreme sadness some might say depression). I had thoughts of killing myself, sometimes I still do. I would never physically harm myself, but I sometimes picture how I would take my own life. During that dark time I would cry myself to sleep in hopelessness and pain. To cope I binged on reeses peanut butter cups and spicy jalepeno cheetos from the dollar store. Sometimes I feel hopeless and sometimes these hopeless thoughts go to “what if I end up all alone and no one will ever love me” and “what will I do when my mom dies” how will I be able to face the world. I’m not close to my brother because he doesn’t open up, he’s the nicest person on this whole planet and the best person I know. I wish I was closer to him. But I’m not. I know that in order for us to ever have some sort of relationship, I think it’s up to me, because he doesn’t know how. Sometimes I think about how I am a horrible person because I don’t support my mom and dad like my brother does. I don’t know how and I am trying to change but it’s hard.

I know this has been such a depressing post, but that’s just how things are sometimes. Writing makes me feel better even when I feel hopeless. I hope things get better because realistically I’m doing pretty well – I have a good job, I have no financial debt and I have a good family that supports and loves me. I think it’s all about perspective sometimes, let’s hope my mind and my emotional health gets better soon. Lots of love ❤

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