love lost

It’s such a terrible thing to say, but I don’t think my parents love each other anymore. Maybe my dad does love my mom, but I don’t think my mom loves my dad. As gross as it sounds, I wish they showed more passion and sexual attraction towards one another. Just to show that they actually love each other. I know my dad loves my mom, he helps out with her parents who are really sick, helps clean out their house, does things to show that he really cares. But my mom, I don’t know anymore – I love her more than anyone in this world, but she always finds the little things that my dad does and doesn’t appreciate all the little things that my dad does and instead picks a couple things that he does wrong. I think the main source of no attraction is that over the course of their marriage, my dad has gained a huge amount of weight and my mom is always on him about it, and as a result it has kind of torn them a part. I don’t know what will happen next. I just feel so lonely all the time. I know I am a good person – but I have no friends I trust to go out with on Friday nights. I feel that my parents don’t love each other and I have no one to talk about all the sadness I’m feeling. In October and November of last year (although it was undiagnosed, I was going through extreme sadness some might say depression). I had thoughts of killing myself, sometimes I still do. I would never physically harm myself, but I sometimes picture how I would take my own life. During that dark time I would cry myself to sleep in hopelessness and pain. To cope I binged on reeses peanut butter cups and spicy jalepeno cheetos from the dollar store. Sometimes I feel hopeless and sometimes these hopeless thoughts go to “what if I end up all alone and no one will ever love me” and “what will I do when my mom dies” how will I be able to face the world. I’m not close to my brother because he doesn’t open up, he’s the nicest person on this whole planet and the best person I know. I wish I was closer to him. But I’m not. I know that in order for us to ever have some sort of relationship, I think it’s up to me, because he doesn’t know how. Sometimes I think about how I am a horrible person because I don’t support my mom and dad like my brother does. I don’t know how and I am trying to change but it’s hard.

I know this has been such a depressing post, but that’s just how things are sometimes. Writing makes me feel better even when I feel hopeless. I hope things get better because realistically I’m doing pretty well – I have a good job, I have no financial debt and I have a good family that supports and loves me. I think it’s all about perspective sometimes, let’s hope my mind and my emotional health gets better soon. Lots of love ❤

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Realizations, confusion and drabbles

Were you always like this? Self-absorbed, attention seeking, building self confidence on likes, comments and emojis? Or have you developed into this monster? I just find it so terribly sad, because the man I knew was kind, cared for his family and friends. But now it’s looking like you’ve changed, and it makes me sad because I thought I knew you. Maybe I did, maybe you showed me your best side, because that’s what we all do. We show our best, hide the ugly parts, the insecurities, the things that only someone who truly loves us can overlook. Now I’m not so sure.

Or maybe I just want to believe that you’ve been awful all along, because I need that to get over you. I am better than I was, so much better. But there’s something about someone who is just so compatible for you, that you just can’t let go. Or more the word, don’t want to let go. So I’m not going to put bullshit words that I’m completely over you, because that’s a lie and I don’t like lying. I also won’t say cliche words and say:  “if I stay positive everything will be okay.” What’s been working and has worked so far is focusing on myself  and building meaningful relationships with the people around me. Because when you are independently happy with friends and family, without the presence of a man, you are happier. I am definitely not saying FUCK men, they only cause problems. I’m saying life is all about balance (cliche but true) and you can’t spend all your time with you’re “snuggle-puss, poo-bear or baby.” Spending time with friends and family is so important and what builds your happiness up <3. And you can’t experience life all alone.

I’m not exactly sure how to end this drabble, but I can say semi-confidently that I will be okay. I’m doing great it’s been six months and I’ve grown into a better and stronger person because of everything that I’ve gone through. It’s hard to follow but “be grateful for the things you have” and stop wishing and longing for the things that you don’t.

 

I’ll never find anyone like you

It hurts so much, but I can’t change it. Sometimes the only truth that it was real is the pain that we feel, from the memories, from the love. You were amazing, why did you have to let me go? Why couldn’t you have fought harder, why didn’t you want me? Why did it have to be bad timing, I miss you so much. Every day, I think of you and what we could have been. I wish I could run into you and take in your smile, your smell my baby one last time forever and forever again. When I kissed you in your car, really kissed you and I said that I liked you a lot, what I really meant was I loved you a lot. I didn’t say it with my words but I said it through my kisses and the passion. I will cherish that moment with me forever, the last time I felt we were really me and you. You said to me, “you’re always on my mind and always in my heart.” Don’t forget me please, I wanted to be your everything, but now I feel so sad. I’m afraid that I’ll never find anyone like you.

Getting over Mr. Right

I met a wonderful man who absolutely helped me get over a twisted ex, taught me about consent but also broke me. My previous ex fucked one of my friends many times (without my knowledge), took my virginity (made it absolutely awful) and fucked with my mind and heart.

After 10 agonizing months  I met someone who was so wonderful and changed my perspective of men altogether. My ex messed me up and for a long time that I felt I could find no one like him. No one who would love me, care for me. My self-esteem was at all time low. Thankfully overtime through loving support from my family, friends, making achievements in my job, I was able to build up my confidence again. Then one day, just like any other, I met Mr. Right.

Mr. Right was my type – intelligent, kind, played soccer, fit, stubble and sexy as hell. It started out like a dream – our first kiss was under heart shaped flipping fireworks! (like what the hell – what is this cheesy romcom madness??!). I met his friends, he was smitten with me, and I with him ❤ We went on a trip together (shared a hotel room). Everything was going great, until it wasn’t.

School started, he got busy, he was stressed. He couldn’t handle it. I was leaving for academic exchange in a couple of months. It didn’t make sense to him for us to continue. He didn’t want to continue hurting me. Disappointing me. So he broke up with me. But unbeknownst to him he broke me too. For the last 2 months I haven’t stopped thinking about him.

It sucks so much. Because we were awesome together. But what sucks more than the uncontrollable is finding out that he didn’t care at all. He says he’s busy, can’t even find the time to text a “good morning babe” or “good night babe.” Yet he’s snowboarding 1x every week for 8 hours and on Facebook changing his profile pic every other week.. yeah no time??!

What I’ve come to realize is, that no one can be your sole source of happiness. Only you can generate happiness and keep yourself going. What really helped me today was accomplishing something that I’ve been scared to do for a long time:

  • Driving by myself

I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been terrified to drive by myself. But I achieved it and I feel so awesome. And that’s the key, you have to keep going, you have to wipe off the dust when you fall, even if you’re knee is bleeding, you’re heart hurts. You have to. Because if you won’t who can do it for you?

What really struck home for me was the song by Twenty One Pilots – Kitchen Sink. In particular one line stands out to me:

“No one is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them  could be the beginning of your meaning friend”

In my context, no one can truly understand what I’m going through (people probs can, but no one really can understand what me and Mr. Right felt for each other). I can either wallow and mourn forever or pick myself up and move on and find happiness. And that is exactly what I plan to do because I deserve better. To be treated better.

Our last time of truly being together, lips on lips, cheek to cheek and heart to heart. I kissed him like I loved him. I felt like it was too soon to say it, but I said it with my lips, tongue and passion. I didn’t want him to go, but he did. I will always be grateful for the man I had for the summer, who showed me what a man can be and how a man can make me feel. That good guys do exist and can blow my mind (if you know what I mean;)).

But that’s not enough to keep holding on. One summer isn’t enough. It’s not worth the pain in my chest when I think of what we had and what we have no longer. It’s not worth me thinking that he doesn’t care. I have the right and deserve to pursue my happiness.

Goodbye Mr. Right, I will always remember you, but its time for me to say goodbye.

 

Breaking up with my boyfriend

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Gut Feeling.”

When’s the last time you followed your instinct despite not being sure it was the right thing to do? Did it end up being the right call? 7 MORE WORDS

The last time that I followed my instinct of not knowing entirely if it was the right thing to do is breaking up with my boyfriend of two months and eight days. I understand to most people in serious long term relationships it may look at two months and eight days and not even call it a serious relationship, but to me it was. He was the very first boyfriend I ever had and he was my first everything pretty much, first kiss, first naked shower with someone and first sexual experience. And it was so intense for me, my whole life I felt I was always second choice, despite being so kind and giving, and then he comes along and cares about me.

He was the guy who walked me home because he wanted me to get home safe, but ended up missing the last bus home, so my dad had to drive me home. He was the guy who introduced me back into soccer despite not playing in a year because of an injury that I had. He was the guy who made food for me at lunch, that we could share together – lasagna, his egg omelettes, his culture’s cuisine, which was amazing.

On the other side of things, he was the guy who when he was deciding whether to stay or not (since he was an international student) said that there was nothing left to stay here for. He was the guy who stopped in for a meal I made him for him personally and instead of staying and chilling with me, left and hung out with our friends. He was the guy who got high with our friends and didn’t tell me. He was the guy who joked about sex with other girls with other people when I was around. And most painful he was the guy who cheated with me with one of my friends.

Although breaking up with him was so hard, because a part of me still loved him, I knew it was the right thing to do, because I knew if I didn’t then he would get away with it and do it again. What hurt me the most was that I lost the best friend I thought I ever had, and it’s super hard to move on from something like that.

This post is a super personal piece, but I just needed to get it off my chest, out of my thoughts and onto paper. It’s been one month since I ended it, it’s surprisingly gotten better, not perfect, but I can feel time slowing working its magic.

Fuck You

I wanted to go to New York with you

See a Coldplay show with you

Travel the world with you

Make love to you over and over again

Spend my life with you

But you through it all away for a little bit of fun

I am hurting so much right now and I know it’s cruel but I hope you’re hurting more than I am because I hate you and love you so much and it isn’t fair. It really isn’t.

Just fuck you.

Sorry

I genuinely don’t know how things got so messed up. The fact of the matter is that I love you so so much and that is all that matters, why I don’t trust you on a simple thing is crazy. Because I know that at the end of the day you would do absolutely anything to make sure that I am okay. I just want things to go back to the way they were before – maybe I am being too melodramatic.

At the end of the day is love enough? What is love without trust? I do trust you – you are probably one of the only people I can tell everything to, and we have open communication without no other. So when I ask if we’re okay, and you reply with not really, it makes me sad. Because how could I fuck something up so bad without meaning to do so. How can I love you so much and be able to hurt you like that? I don’t want to be that person that hurts you, although you say that it’s all about me, that’s not true. It’s all about us.

I want things to be the way it was before – easy. Please tell me how to make it okay again.